Why doesn’t he even sleep with me?

Pourquoi il ne couche même pas avec moi ?

When we have just met him and we have not asked for the Moon (unless the Moon is a sexual relationship), the man flees us. How can we explain that we sometimes row for a single stroke of an evening? Survey with Evelyne Dillenseger, psychoanalyst and sexologist.

There was a time, we complained about guys who don’t call back. To believe that they read us for nights: today, they prefer not to sleep with us, at least that solves the problem. The boys who desert before discovering the color of his sheets, Margaux, 26, knows this well: “Three times I meet guys I want to have fun with, but nothing happens. That we don’t sleep the first night is fine. But the second, we are content with a drink and the third, it cancels. End of the story.“The first explanation that comes to him naturally focuses on his power of seduction. To conclude that you don’t like, that you are worth nothing, that you are not desirable and that you are fucked up, it’s easy and it hurts. We’re not going to lie to each other. A lack of connection can happen, even if we’re only there for sex. Maybe when he hailed a taxi, we had something between our teeth or something. breath to turn our glass of red. But when we dig a little, a guy who does not even try to sleep with us has his reasons that our sprig of chives ignore.

“Manly woman” generation

At the time of our grandparents, even our parents, the love codes were simple, the man proposed, the woman arranged: each his role“recalls Evelyne Dillenseger. Many years later, the woman has come a long way. She assumes her sexuality. She no longer makes love for reproductive purposes, but for pleasure. She does not hesitate to chase the man. Emilie, 30, confirms: “I’m going, I’m not asking myself a question. If a guy gives me an eye, I approach him, there are no rules.“All the worry is there: there are no (more) rules. Men no longer know on what foot to dance in front of female initiators.”Not all men are afraid of determined women; on the contrary, some appreciate their initiatives while others are completely confused. Women want manly men, but they are becoming more and more virile. Results: women put pressure on them, men lose their means, do not feel up to it and do not take advantage of the situation“, analyzes the psychoanalyst and sexologist. Or how to know what one wants and not to hide it can destabilize the boy who then fears being used then rejected. Should he repress his desire for sex and go less Not sure it works more.

When sex stinks of love

Doing it a little less sometimes blurs the message more. A dark girl has the merit of being clear: she wants to get laid. It scares and salutes. But when we start to go there groped, to offer a nice movie, to wait for the call that we would like to make, something else happens in the head of the man: what if she hoped for a BEAUTIFUL story? Because yes, if she does not want sex, it is necessarily that she wants croissants for breakfast (then babies, a motorhome and a wedding). “Many men still believe that women associate first sexual intercourse with the start of a story. If they start, they fear that they will not let go. In order not to give them false hope, they prefer to try nothing“, explains the psychoanalyst and sexologist. It’s almost respectful. Besides, it is. But it’s called thinking for us. To counter, Émilie warns:”I just want to have a good time, so let me know … But men don’t believe me!

When we decide to play on transparency, man takes this for a fine strategy. As if the girls were playing loose to better grab from behind. As if they accepted a light relationship rather than admitting that they are in a hurry to get laid. The male gender is wary. We are well made: if we undertake (too much), we are freaking out, if we brake, we are already in love and if we warn, we are strategist. What to do ? According to Evelyne Dillenseger, “women must remain true to themselves, to their desires. If they want an evening report, make it explicit“The whole thing is simply to be moderate. That doesn’t mean that you can’t be yourself. Like when you are looking for a job. If you insist too much, the employer finds us strange. Too heavy , be too desperate.

A time for everything

We can say that the era wants that, that the boys freak out, that they fear engagement (and we could talk about it for hours), but we can not ignore one thing: if women are masculinized, men are feminized . Let’s stop imagining that a man always wants sex! Day, night, rain, snow: it is not a machine, much less a thermostat. He also has doubts and emotions. “Men are asked to show their emotions, their feelings, to no longer be tough. Today they dare to display their share of femininity“, reveals the shrink. They sometimes need to discover a woman before sleeping with her. To take the time, to imagine the stages of a relation, to build properly, to let the desire go up for the simple pleasure of Then enjoy it harder. In short, men do not think about that and do not undress with a snap of their finger. If it is wrongly claimed that women need to be in love to sleep and that men go to bed to fall in love, we understand that this generality was only clichés and that the roles are completely reversed. So we can breathe a breath, without taking each meeting without sex as cash: next time , we will spend a beautiful night and maybe even it will make little sisters.

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