When Chloé fell in love with Florian, she did not know immediately that he was gay. It was only a few months later that she discovered her homosexuality. An impossible relationship that lasted for years. She tells us.
I met Florian in 2011 at work, during a replacement. We immediately got on very well. This was followed by an addition to Facebook and endless conversations on Messenger when I finished my professional mission. I felt a certain attraction for him, the feelings were born, I imagined them reciprocal. For me, we were at the stage of seduction. He was mysterious, he intrigued me. I saw something special about him. No doubt his homosexuality …
“Nothing told me I was on the wrong track”
Florian never made any reference to his homosexuality. First of all because we got to know each other in a professional setting. Then, because he didn’t fully assume. He comes from a Catholic family and his two older brothers are married. In this context, he did not find the strength to reveal himself as he really was. Even with his childhood friends.
So no, I did not feel anything, saw nothing coming. There was nothing to indicate that I was on the wrong track. He was single, I was sure of it. Sometimes I went to lunch at his place, there was no sign of life together for two in his apartment. I did everything to keep our story moving. I handed him a maximum of poles when we chatted online. And it worked, it took. Our bond was more and more palpable and our relationship especially virtual at the start. We only saw each other from time to time.
One Saturday, we spent the evening with friends. We’ve known each other for two months. I had an hour’s drive to go home. It was late, Florian offered to sleep with him. I said to myself : “here we are, it’s the big night“And since he was too lazy to unfold his sofa bed, he told me that I only had to share his bed. Only, nothing happened. Nothing at all. Certainly, I I didn’t try anything. At first I thought we didn’t dare, but I started to doubt. Something was wrong.
The next day, I searched his Facebook profile. I needed info. I found a lot of guys from his friends who belonged to the LGBT community. Flea to the ear. I decided to talk to him about it. I was scared, obviously. I didn’t mean to upset or upset him. He replied bluntly that yes, he was gay. Disappointment.
“There was a physical connection”
However, I was sure of one thing, sure of a mutual attraction between us. Florian had an ambiguous behavior towards me, I did not invent it, not dreamed.
From there, we continued to talk a lot online. We started to see each other more. With this limit always in mind: our story is not possible, Florian loves men. Yet he was making fiery statements to me. “I miss you, you touch me, I want to see you…“It went on like this for years. We even got closer physically. One evening, it went wrong. We didn’t sleep together, but pushed the preliminaries. Did I believe it? Maybe a little, yes. He took pleasure and so did I. A lot of women never left Florian indifferent. I thought he still needed to explore his sexuality.
I quickly understood that this physical connection had not unlocked anything, on the contrary. We were friends, our bond was very strong, amazing, indefinable, perhaps even in love. But Florian was not available to our story. It was he who once told me that it would never be possible between us: “I would need to look elsewhere, I could never be exclusive with you.“I was ready to accept a free relationship, he assured me that I was not going to support it in the long term. Each discussion of this kind hurt me more.
I understood that nothing would change. Florian took a long time to admit his homosexuality. It seemed to me that after all this progress, this work, it was not possible for him to ask himself new questions. As if, engaged in a direction, he was not going to procrastinate again, turn around, review his plans. He often told me that I was making films. He persuaded himself of something, without wanting to recognize his behavior. Except that Florian was subscribed to the missed acts. Of the kind “i forgot my pajamas“when we slept together.
“I lived an emotional relationship without living a romantic relationship”
Despite the impossibility of our relationship, we left for three weeks in Brazil. Both, just both. We slept together, laughed together, raged together. Two fused beings. When I was asked if I had someone in my life, the answer was not “yes”. But she was not “no”.
Our entourage perceived us as a couple. His parents first. Our friends also considered us as a couple and often carried us away, even today. We intrigue. People want to put us in a box.
I suffered a lot because of this impossible love story that lasted six years. We were both single, sometimes with each other on our side, but we always came back to each other. For my part, if I had to analyze the why, understand how I was able to hang on for years, I would say that it reassured me to live this story, I who have always had a complicated relationship with romantic relationships. I went to see a shrink to untangle the knots. Finally, I ran after an inaccessible story to avoid getting involved. With Florian, it was comfortable. I lived an emotional relationship without living a romantic relationship.
Seeing a shrink allowed me to detach myself, to mourn a story with Florian and to live next door. Now, our relationship takes me less energy.
“Florian is now a couple, a situation that clarifies ours”
I finally moved. He met someone. Today, he’s been with Theo for a year. I was afraid that our relationship would end. Because he was in a relationship and because the geographical distance was essential between us. But paradoxically, these elements brought us closer. I believe that her situation answers a lot of our questions, that she closes our thousands of doubts. We are very good friends, even more than friends, but everything is clearer. And the fact that he is in a couple allows me to go to the men, as if I now have the authorization.
We are always united. We went back on vacation to Spain, just the two of us. We slept together, took a ton of photos, still like a couple. Her boyfriend was jealous. When I came back from Madrid, I had a story with a man. It must be said that a huge frustration inhabited me. Sleeping in the same bed without anything happening is terrible. Florian is beautiful, I like Florian. I’m in love with Florian … at least I was in love with him. So inevitably, on returning from Spain I went back up like a cuckoo.
Today I am single again. Florian and I share very strong ties, we call each other every day. I am happy to know that he is happy. Her parents “tolerate” her relationship. Florian opened up and took charge. I may have helped him with all this. I say it without pretension. For years, he was able to tell me everything, to be himself. And I accepted it as it was. Our history has certainly enlightened and guided it. After 6 years, if we had to be together, things would have been done. I hope nothing more from our history, no more than what we already have.